AssholeBaby

I went to Ikea last week.  Here are some random guerrilla thoughts about Ikea.  In absolutely no discernable order:

I imagine that Ikea is a lot like hell. Except that nobody is on fire.  But thats probably the only difference.

(On a quick side note, so far my phone has tried to autocorrect “Ikea” to “Ike’s” and “okra”.)

Back to Ike’s. Fuck. Ikea.

Ikea is apparently where you’re supposed to take your kids to act like assholes when you get tired of them acting like assholes in your house.

Ikea is the only place you can get away with intentionally tripping children.

Ikea has shopping carts on floor one.  Right when you walk in.  Then they have a sign telling you to go to floor two.  Right up the fucking escalator.  What a sick joke.  There has to be a hidden camera with a guy in a room watching and laughing his head off all day.

If you haven’t been to Ikea, imagine WalMart.  Now imagine eight WalMarts put together.  Now imagine they make everyone walk down each aisle in the same order.  Then imagine that the aisles are arrange in such a way that make a giant fucking maze.  Yep.  That’s Ikea.

For the younger generation, think Legends of the Hidden Temple.  The maze you run through in the end.  Olmec’s Temple.  If you don’t remember, here ya go:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=K9v4h5J8xQQ

They even have an Olmec like guy that tells you how to navigate the place.

If you still can’t picture an Ikea, try this visual exercise:

1.  Take a blank sheet of paper and a pen.

2.  Close your eyes, put your pen down, and draw on the paper for about 30 seconds.

3.  Drop pants.

4.  Shit on paper.

And that’s what the inside of an Ikea looks like.

I ran into a man that said he just came to Ikea to eat the Swedish meatballs.  If that isn’t weird enough, I will add that I didn’t ask the guy what he was doing there.  He just walked up to me with his plate of meatballs, and said it.

Ikea will sell you a kitchen.  Stove, oven, and everything else.  It’s probably not a good idea to buy your kitchen from a place that makes their furniture out of cardboard.

Ikea has showrooms that say “Look what my 200 square foot apartment looks like thanks to Ikea”.  I walked in and there was no bathroom.  Nobody lives in 200 square foot apartments Ikea.  Fuck you.

Ikea makes a lot of “Asian style” furniture.  Probably because it’s the only furniture that you can build using paper mache.

I’m done.  Don’t go to Ikea.