Raising a baby does something to your head. You think differently. The irrational suddenly becomes rational. Below are three ideas I’ve had to make parenting easier, along with my sales pitch to Lisa. At the time, they all made sense to me.
1. Early on, the baby slept in the bed with us. While it’s great not having to get out of bed every hour, it sucks waking up to a punch in the face or a kick in the grundle. My solution?
The Baby Sleeping Jacket: A sleeping jacket that tightly bundles the baby, restricting it’s movement.
My Pitch:
“Hey, you know how the baby moves around a lot and shit? What if we could kind of wrap her up tight so she couldn’t move? Like in a jacket.”-Me
“They have one of those. It’s called a straight jacket. And you’re a f***ing idiot. Now go make a bottle.”-Lisa
If you thought it was a good idea too, don’t worry. Baby Straight Jacket exists. I’m guessing this guy had the same conversation with his wife…. Only he said “F*ck It” and made one anyway:
Seriously. How is that okay? And how pissed does that baby look?
2. It was a Tuesday. And she spit the pacifier out 31 times. And I picked it up 31 times. Which led me to my next idea:
The Strap On Pacifier: A pacifier that straps on to the baby’s head.
My Pitch:
“I’m going to invent one of these that straps to her head so she can’t spit it out. Everyone wins right?”-Me
“That already exists. Only its not called a ‘Strap On Pacifier’. It’s called a ‘Gag’. Bruce Willis. Ving Rhames. Pulp Fiction. Ringing any bells?”-Lisa
Then she showed me this picture:
And then I realized it was a bad idea.
But, it exists anyway:
Introducing the “Cry No More”. An actual patent. And creepy as shit. Apparently, this guy never saw Pulp Fiction.
3. I’ve always wanted to have a safe place to put the baby while I get shit done around the house. Apparently, I’m not alone.
This drawing was sent to me by a reader:
The Baby Cage: A safe, breathable environment for your baby. It’s got holes to pass food through and a handle for carrying. Hell, it even has a gerbil water bottle. Filled with milk of course.
My Pitch:
“Hey look at this picture someone sent me. It’s what I was telling you about. The Baby Cage. Good idea isn’t it?”-Me
“No.”-Lisa
I’m not totally convinced she took the time to think about it. Actually, I’m pretty sure she was tired of me pitching ideas to her. For the record, I still maintain that Baby Cage is a good idea.
But:
It already exists.
Oh well.
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Yups, its so realistic.Thanks for your great post.
Swaddling babies is actually a pretty common practice, but only for the first month or so. After that, they need the freedom for muscle development so she can punch you in the grundle even harder, then learn to walk so she can head-ram you there. Things to look forward to!
Baby Cage…it’s called dog kennel. My daughter will play in there for hours and the dog looks at her like you are crazy since we only use it for the dog’s timeout. Your blogs always make me chuckle.
and I thought of the strap on pacifier myself for the same reason, and my wife told me I was stupid as well
They can restrict breathing. I’m sure the thought has crossed most parents’ minds at some point or another, though, especially after the twentieth time retrieving and cleaning the one their kid just spat out again.
swaddle from summer, dude, available at toys r us. my daughter was born in june and we still use it. keeps the arms at the side and basically they sleep out of boredom!
All perfectly reasonable ideas. I thought something like head gear for braces might be less troubling then a ball gag, and there is someone out there who sell it. And as for the cage:
http://history.icanhascheezburger.com/2011/02/28/funny-pictures-history-keep-your-baby-safely-caged-outdoors/
Guy in the coffee shop was talking about putting his toddler in a cage so it would sleep, then said: hey, we have one! One of those modern trampolines with zip up nets!
There’s been a “straight jacket” for babies for a while. It’s called a Miracle Blanket. Gooogle it.
The strap on pacifier is intriguing, but simply too vulgar.
The “baby cage” is called a pack and play.