Yesterday Lisa left for work at 12:30 and returned at 7. I was at home alone with the baby during that time. Here is her preplanned itinerary for the day:
12:32: Stop faking like I’m asleep.
12:34: Demand food.
12:35: Stare at dad while he makes bottle. The whole time. Without blinking. Smirk. Try to say “Yeah Bitch”.
12:47: Finish eating.
12:49: Stick hand down throat. Throw up lunch. All the cool babies are doing it.
12:50: Cry until the vomit is cleaned from my hair.
12:55: Take 2 hour power nap. Replace the counting sheep with the tripping of old ladies.
1:12: Wake up from two hour nap. Cry and demand diaper change.
1:16: Get diaper change.
1:17: Pee. A lot.
1:18: Get diaper change. Laugh about it.
1:23-1:58: Make loud noises while dad is trying to watch TV.
2:38: Take huge runny shit. Be sure to get some in my vagina for added effect.
2:39: Grunt and make poop face until he realizes what’s up.
2:42: Laugh when he opens the diaper.
2:43: Make creepy face when he cleans the poop out of vagina. Just to make him feel more awkward.
2:50: Demand to be placed on couch beside dad.
2:52: Smack him in the face when he’s not looking. Just to remind him that my pimp hand is strong.
3:00-5:15: Watch Caillou, Blues Clues, and the Wiggles on Sprout.
5:16: Figure out that every host on Sprout is a registered sex offender.
5:17: Think about how much the rising cost of baby formula is hurting my parents financially.
5:18: Think about how much I don’t give a shit.
5:26: Think about how bored I am.
5:27: Attempt front flip off couch.
5:27.20: Fail attempt at front flip off couch.
5:27.80: Cry. Wonder why dad would allow me to attempt such a stunt.
6:33: Pick up bottle.
6:33.27: Drop bottle on face.
6:42: Fart. Laugh at fart.
6:57: Take one last runny dump.
6:58: While getting cleaned up, grab wipe and rip in half.
6:59: Put ripped, shit-covered wipe in mouth.
7:04: Take two hour nap. Replace the counting of sheep with the kicking of puppies.