Raising a baby does something to your head. You think differently. The irrational suddenly becomes rational. Below are three ideas I’ve had to make parenting easier, along with my sales pitch to Lisa. At the time, they all made sense to me.
1. Early on, the baby slept in the bed with us. While it’s great not having to get out of bed every hour, it sucks waking up to a punch in the face or a kick in the grundle. My solution?
The Baby Sleeping Jacket: A sleeping jacket that tightly bundles the baby, restricting it’s movement.
“Hey, you know how the baby moves around a lot and shit? What if we could kind of wrap her up tight so she couldn’t move? Like in a jacket.”-Me
“They have one of those. It’s called a straight jacket. And you’re a f***ing idiot. Now go make a bottle.”-Lisa
If you thought it was a good idea too, don’t worry. Baby Straight Jacket exists. I’m guessing this guy had the same conversation with his wife…. Only he said “F*ck It” and made one anyway:
Seriously. How is that okay? And how pissed does that baby look?
2. It was a Tuesday. And she spit the pacifier out 31 times. And I picked it up 31 times. Which led me to my next idea:
The Strap On Pacifier: A pacifier that straps on to the baby’s head.
“I’m going to invent one of these that straps to her head so she can’t spit it out. Everyone wins right?”-Me
“That already exists. Only its not called a ‘Strap On Pacifier’. It’s called a ‘Gag’. Bruce Willis. Ving Rhames. Pulp Fiction. Ringing any bells?”-Lisa
Then she showed me this picture:
And then I realized it was a bad idea.
But, it exists anyway:
Introducing the “Cry No More”. An actual patent. And creepy as shit. Apparently, this guy never saw Pulp Fiction.
3. I’ve always wanted to have a safe place to put the baby while I get shit done around the house. Apparently, I’m not alone.
This drawing was sent to me by a reader:
The Baby Cage: A safe, breathable environment for your baby. It’s got holes to pass food through and a handle for carrying. Hell, it even has a gerbil water bottle. Filled with milk of course.
“Hey look at this picture someone sent me. It’s what I was telling you about. The Baby Cage. Good idea isn’t it?”-Me
I’m not totally convinced she took the time to think about it. Actually, I’m pretty sure she was tired of me pitching ideas to her. For the record, I still maintain that Baby Cage is a good idea.
It already exists.