Archive for December 27, 2011

Phil | December 27, 2011
126 comments

Letter From Santa

My step son just turned nine, which means he’s starting to understand how the world works.  And this year, he really started doubting the existence of Santa.  I said to just let him figure it out, but Lisa wanted him to hang on for one more Christmas.  So she lied.  And lied.  And lied some more.  Just to keep him believing in the dream.  
Everything was going good until we put it on the “Santa Tracker” on TV.  If you didn’t know, “Santa Tracker” is pretty much two D-List news anchors tracking Santa’s journey.  Live.  All night long.  
Well the douche bag news anchor decides to put in a phone call to see how Santa’s magical sleigh ride was going.  But not to Santa.  To f*cking Rudolph!!!!!  So Rudolph answers his deer cell phone with his deer hooves and starts talking to the news team in human English.  While flying.  With no wind noise.  
I don’t know much about flying reindeer.  But I know if they did exist, they wouldn’t answer a cell phone while leading a high speed, presumably low altitude flight.  And Ethan thought the same thing.  As did every kid in America over five years old.    Ethan was again doubting Santa’s existence, but Lisa assured him he was real.  So he wrote the following letter:    

And I could not pass on this golden opportunity:
Dear E,
Rudolph is real.  And he’s been taking these muthafudgin’ corners too fast all night long!  He’s lucky I can’t find another deer with an LED nose light or he would’ve been kicked out of Santa Mansion a long time ago.  LOL!!!!  Seriously though, he has an alcohol problem.  
Thanks for the cookies and milk, but I don’t like cookies and milk.  That’s okay.  Common Santa misconception.  Next year, could you please leave me a 40 oz. Olde English and some Church’s Fried Chicken?  Also, deer don’t like celery.  No one likes celery.  Celery sucks.  How about some pecans next time?
Finally, I have attached a picture of myself.  I feel like you might have the wrong idea.  See below.  
Your P.I.C.,
Santa (aka H.N.I.C.)
Category: Uncategorized |
Phil | December 16, 2011
510 comments

Raising Her Right

I get a lot of email.  I appreciate all the fan mail and I love the hate mail, but I think it’s about time I tackle some of the tougher issues.

Several people have emailed me saying “Hey Phil! How are you going to raise your daughter in a world where sexual activity and drug use is commonplace among teenagers????”
Great question.  It is difficult to raise a child in today’s society where we have T.V. shows about 14 year old girls getting pregnant and 13 year old kids smoking weed.  I have given this question a lot of thought, because I love my daughter and know that nothing good can come from doing drugs or having premarital relations.  So I present to you my solution:
I am going to encourage, and in some cases force extracurricular school activities.  Specifically:
That’s right.  The marching band.  The best way to keep your kid off drugs while keeping their pants on at the same time.
You show me a 15 year old tuba player who claims to be a sexually active pot smoker, and I will show you a LIAR!
You’re welcome America.  You’re welcome too Canada.
Category: Uncategorized |
Phil | December 15, 2011
566 comments

An Open Letter to a Facebook "Fan"

Yesterday I posted the shirts I had designed for the site on here, on twitter, and on my Facebook page. On my Facebook page, I also told the fans to let me know what they would like to see in the store. I had a lot of great feedback. However, there was one comment under that Facebook post from someone named Deana that I would like to address in a more public forum. Deana wrote:

“Not getting one of these!!!!!!!!!!!!”

Now, I don’t know much about Deana except that she is female, she is Canadian, she abuses punctuation marks, and she clicked the “like” button on her own comment. Maybe she got mad at the two dollar up-charge for being Canadian. Guess I’ll never know. But I would like to address her comment nonetheless.

My Open Letter to Deana

Dear Deana,

You’re a dick! What makes you think it’s okay to come to my Facebook page and shit all over something I worked very hard on? Is this behavior commonplace in Canada?

What you wrote is no different than being invited to someone’s house for dinner, showing up, looking at the casserole that they worked hard to prepare, and then exclaiming to the heavens “Not eating this!!!!!!!”

Most people wouldn’t do that because that would be a huge dickhead, borderline retarded thing to do. And most people have manners. You apparently do not.

Now, I’m assuming that because you are on my Facebook page you read my site. I’m going to further assume that you enjoy reading my site, because people generally pass on reading stuff they don’t like. So why did you feel the need to take a big steamy fudge goblin on my hard work?

Further, why did you feel the need to campaign against my daughter going to college on my page? Maybe you should post shit like that on your own page instead of using mine to post your opinion that no one asked for. People like you should have to wear a sticker on your forehead that says “I am an inconsiderate person” so everyone else knows not to waste their time.

Finally, everyone named Deana has bad 1980′s hair. Fact.

Thanks for reading and please remove the knife from my back,
Phil

Category: Uncategorized |
Phil | December 13, 2011
350 comments

Sleeping Through the Night

Good news on the sleeping front:  She finally started sleeping through the night.
Bad news on the sleeping front: Apparently to her, “night” ends at 4:45 a.m. every morning.

So I actually get less sleep than I did before she started “sleeping through the night”.

Waking up at 4:45 sucks period.  But she doesn’t just “wake up”.  You know, like normal people do.  She wakes up screaming like a meth head that hasn’t had her fix in days.  And she’s not stopping until she gets her meth milk.  So I wake up every morning in a frenzied panic like my f*cking house is burning down.  And when you wake up like that, your day is going to be shit.

When was the last time you said “I had a great day today.  I woke up running around screaming in a panic and then everything was totally awesome after that!”?  Never happens.

I keep telling her that it’s not all about her.  Apparently she disagrees.

Category: Uncategorized |
Phil | December 8, 2011
308 comments

Maury Povich

If babies were held to the same standard as everybody else, everyone would hate them.  They are selfish, ungrateful assholes that do asshole things all the asshole time.  And the real kick in the taint is the fact that they enjoy acting like this.

I spend $1500 each month on food and child care for her.  Which is a substantial amount of my salary.  (Yeah, I’m a poor person now.)
Do I get a “Thanks for spending everything you make on me Pops!”?  No. Instead, tonight during a diaper change (which have now become shit wrestling matches), she scooped up a piece of her own shit and threw it over her head into the wall.  And she thought that was hilarious.
I wait on her hand and foot.  She gets whatever she wants whenever she wants it.  
How does she show her appreciation?  By puking in my eye and laughing about it.
I took her to a fancy restaurant last week.  She cried hysterically the entire time, which made me look like a huge dick.  Then she laughed about it all the way home.
What kind of dysfunctional person gets happy about these things?  I’m pretty sure every time you see a picture of a happy baby, they are smiling because they just shit all over someones dreams.
“You can’t go to college anymore!”
Or…
“Better luck next time!”
The only person than rivals babies on the Asshole-O-Meter is Maury Povich.  He seems to get the same amount of pleasure out of destroying peoples lives.
Category: Uncategorized |
Phil | December 5, 2011
154 comments

Vacation Day

I took a day off today because our nanny cancelled on us.  This is the third time I have done this.  The first two times were awful.  Today has been exponential worse.

I was laying in bed, feeding the baby and being lazy.  After she finished the seven ounce bottle, I put her on my thigh to burp her.  She burped immediately and there was no associated puke.  Awesome job dad!  I then decided to transition the baby from a sideways “sitting on my thigh” position to a “sitting on my crotch leaning against my knees position”.  This requires an overhead lift.  (For mental imagery purposes, I was laying on my back and talking to the baby.)  During the 1.2 second process, yeah.  She puked into my eye, nose and mouth.  Then she smiled.  The combination of my shock and her smile led to a reaction from me identical to this:  Scream

Some things you should know about having regurgitated synthetic breast milk vomited into your orifices:

1. It burns your eye.
2. When reclining at a certain angle, it goes through your nasal cavity into your mouth.
3. It tastes a little metallic and sour.
4. It is just f*cking disgusting in general.
After my shower, I spent the next 40 minutes trying to calm her down from me scaring the shit out of her with above mentioned scream.  Now I still have four hours until I get some help.
Worst. Vacation. Ever.

Category: Uncategorized |