I would imagine that if a baby could keep a diary of it’s time in the womb, it would look like this. And let’s be honest. Even though you might think this is inaccurate, you don’t know enough about the human brain to dispute me. So go with it.
Baby has no brain function.
Sometime during Week 6:
Holy shit-on-a-stick! Where the hell am I?! Don’t panic. Assess the situation. Okay. I have a jaw, and two arm nubs. I’m floating in a hot goo and I can’t move. Is this Purgatory?
Looks like finger nubs are growing on my arm nubs. These could be useful. I’m also growing a tail. Not useful. And I look like a slug. With fingers. Pretty sure I’m becoming a “Finger Slug”.
Saw dad today. Weird.
Week 9 Things To Do List:
1. Grow Shoulders
2. Get. That. Dirt off ya shoulda.
I’m developing some skin. This is good. People with skin are WAY more successful and WAY less creepy than people without skin.
Finally. Ears. There’s nothing more soothing that hearing someone’s digestive system 24/7. Just kidding, it’s fucking gross.
I’m growing a thick layer of hair all over my body. I’m like some weird fetal Sasquatch.
Got a leg and a foot complete with toes. Time to put on my shit kickers and do work on this bladder.
Well. This is embarrassing.
No mirror in here, but I just overheard my dad say I looked like “Gollum from Lord of the Rings”. Then he repeated “My precious” in a weird voice.
I grew taste buds, and amniotic fluid tastes like an Ethiopian cab driver’s ass sweat.
Grew a vagina. Finally. Do you have any idea what its like to not have your vagina for six months? No? Ask Chaz. Zing!
Saw dad again. He rarely comes by. He’s a dickhead.
This room is getting smaller Temple-Of-Doom-spikes-coming-from-the-walls-style. Not good. Got to get out of here.
This…… arm…..is…… delicious.
Im out! And I made you shit yourself in the process. Payback’s a bitch and I’m just getting started.